i have no words.
it pools inside me.
you are not here.
something beyond words
beyond language
beyond talk
something missing that can not be filled with sound
something loud that can not be muted by silence
something quiet that can not be drowned in noise
a ringing in my ears that never ceases
chest both overflow and void
thoughts that never stop yet lead nowhere
then somehow always take me back to you
you strike me like lightning and
you’re not even here.
you take me down
time and again and then
go on your way
aren’t i anything for you ?
more than a three time fling ?
more than a girl easy to forget ?
don’t i spin around in your head and make you dizzy?
don’t you wonder what i’m doing right now without you?
why doesn’t this distance eat you up too ?
it swallows me whole and
i’m living my fear:
you’re still not here.
you’re just across the border
where i’m not allowed to go
i can see you
from a distance though
a dot on the horizon
that i once loved
that i still do
the further you are
the harder the pull
you draw me in then
full on disappear
you’re eternally not here.
sometimes i wonder
is your purpose to hurt me?
then i can, what?
be strong?
it’s such infernal bullshit.
suffering is suffering,
and i endure it when you pull shit.
i eat it, and i’m dying
try to bring us back to life,
i’m trying
but endlessly it’s clear
you are not here.
and it pools inside me
and i have no words