The biggest lie we have told ourselves as a society is that we’re always supposed to be happy. That happiness is the goal. That if you don’t feel happy you need to fix that, pronto. But the thing is – happiness, like every other emotion, is temporary.
I’m not referring to gratitude or appreciation of life, or the deep satisfaction of loving your life, but the feeling of happiness in the moment. All feelings are fleeting, they come and go, and sometimes rapidly. When we feel sad or angry or remorse or whatever “bad” feeling that arises, we are taught from day 1 that that feeling is not supposed to be there and to get rid of it as quickly as possible, by any means necessary. Go outside and exercise, go meet up with some friends, go to therapy, go go go go. We’re never told to sit still with our feelings, that our feelings are meant to be felt, and that they don’t go away by avoiding them.
In reality, our “bad” feelings are giving us important information about ourselves, and important guidance in life.
When someone does or says something that hurts you and you feel hurt, that is your body signaling to you what your needs and boundaries are. That bad feeling isn’t something we should escape from – it’s something we should examine and extract value from.
When we experience loss and grief the bad feelings simply can not be escaped. We give ourselves a certain amount of time to grieve and then we’re supposed to “be okay” and “get over it”. But loss never stops feeling like a loss, we just adapt and get used to the new reality without. Grief continues to come randomly in waves for years if not for the rest of our lives.
That grief is important information. It tells you what is valuable and meaningful to you, and it highlights the love and goodness you have had in life that you now feel is missing. It is not a feeling to escape from, it’s a feeling to be guided by – to understand what matters to us. That person or thing mattered, relationships matter, love matters, togetherness matters – and those are all insights into who and what you are as a human being. Those are clues as to what you cherish in your world. Those are indications that you have lived a meaningful life and shared it with others, and continue to do so. It’s beautiful and poetic.
Trying to escape bad feelings is understandable, they feel bad – but it’s also a gateway to terrible mental health. Avoidance, addiction, depression, promiscuity, excessive partying and travel, excessive spending, impulsivity etc are all destructive forces that arise from our own inability to sit with our pain. To feel our pain. To let the pain play out. To digest it and process it and pour love into the parts that hurt.
Pain is meant to be experienced, it’s meant to be examined, and it’s meant to be there as a guiding force in life. It isn’t pleasant, it isn’t fun, but it *is* a rich and powerful life experience that helps shape us and push us further in our growth and evolution. And it is a glaring flashing bright neon arrow pointing to the parts of you that need nurturing. It’s a message from you to you that this part of you is calling out for love and nourishment.
Pain is our friend. Pain is a tool that supports us. Pain is a showcase of who and what we are. Pain is a roadmap leading to the unhealed parts of ourselves. It’s not needless, it’s not wrong, and it’s not something to hurry up and get rid of. Don’t dwell or make pain your lifestyle, of course, but do let your pain play out. Do embrace it and use it as a sign, and when you feel ready, use it as an opportunity to nourish yourself and others.
The feeling of happiness is not the goal in life. It’s just one part of a rich and colorful, deeply touching experience that we as humans have the opportunity and the gift to explore. We aren’t here on this earth just to be happy, just to experience the one most pleasant part of life. We are here to experience the full spectrum. Living that life to the fullest extent is the goal. We are here to explore and add to this world, to bring forth goodness and richness and power and love not only when it’s easy but when it’s a challenge too.
The purpose of life is to live. From beginning to end, all of it’s facets, in all it’s glory.
So let yourself feel bad. Let yourself feel sad. Let yourself feel good, too. Let yourself feel it all. The world is multi-faceted – and so are you: a beautiful manifestation of the divine spirit of life and all things that entails.
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