Listen to me when I say this: the way people act is not about you. It is always about them. Living by this rule is one of the core tenets of good mental health: It’s not you, it’s them.
Since we are all the main character of our own lives, we tend to internalize people’s behavior and make it a commentary about us and our value. But they are the main character of their world, and their story is not about you. You’re a character that comes in and out of that story, but you aren’t the plot.
Children tend to self blame and self abandon when they are treated poorly, and may even grow up with some subconscious beliefs that they carry into adulthood and into relationships. For example a child being neglected or abused may conclude they are not being taken care of or protected because they are not lovable, or deserving of care and safety. When the truth is that the caretaker doesn’t have the facility take care of them. So they grow up carrying those feelings and acting upon them, being depressed because of them, taking risks because of them, making assumptions about life and relationships because of them. As a result of this (completely natural way that every child copes), a lot of us may need to unlearn these deep-seated beliefs because they can plague us internally. Those beliefs are the launching point of your own downward spiral that ends in rock bottom.
Internalizing negative self beliefs is a survival mechanism. It stems from childhood when the caretaker is the sole means of survival for the child, so the child blames themselves on a subconscious level to shield themselves from the threat of being unsafe with their caretaker and therefore unable to survive. It’s not that my parents are neglectful – it’s that I am unworthy of nurturing. I am still able to survive because my parents are safe, it’s just that I don’t qualify for their love. Make sense?
This happens to grown ups too. For example being cheated on, of course, makes you feel like you aren’t good enough, valued, or cared about. Self blame gives us hope that maybe we can stay, and don’t have to endure the grief of loss. Maybe if we just work on ourself and make ourself more deserving they will love us more and treat us right. It gives us a chance at a feeling of safety in a scenario where we definitely aren’t safe. because our own value is something we have command over, something we can act on, whereas someone else’s moral compass and integrity is not. It feels like it’s a commentary on us, we make it a commentary on us, and often they claim it’s a commentary on us, but it is never is. It’s not even a commentary on the relationship. It’s a commentary on who the cheater is, on who they choose to be. (because yes, it’s a choice). You aren’t safe with them because they aren’t safe. It’s not because of you.
The first step to unlearning all that headfuckery is to make a habit of framing other people’s behavior as always being about them and only about them. They are acting of their own accord. They are acting out on their own issues, their own fears, their own dysfunction, their own malice, their own ignorance: them, them, all them.
That man that lied and cheated? He did so not because you weren’t good enough to love, but because he feels like he is not good enough (hint: he isn’t). Instead of self-improving and becoming someone he deems as worthwhile, he avoids the pain of inadequacy by filling his self worth void with surface level, easy access validation and attention from as many women as he can.
Or sometimes people legitimately are malicious and just simply enjoy feeling powerful by hurting others. Know this: A good person treats everyone right regardless of who it is in front of them.
And it never works out for cheaters because that void never stays full, and they are basically addicts who have to dopamine chase and use people like a drug to feel okay. It’s totally not a you issue. It’s totally all them.
The parent that always calls you a “crybaby” when you get upset? That is because THEY lack empathy, which is one of the main qualities that makes someone safe and kind. They put you down because they themselves have no ability to relate or sympathize, and therefore have no real love available to give. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what they lack inside themselves. Trying to validate your feelings and comfort you would require them to face and overcome their own internal deficit, which again, was a coping mechanism they learned in childhood to survive. Expressing feelings was dangerous or met with harshness, so their feelings must be bad. Turn them off, no bad feelings allowed. If you have bad feelings you are just a weak “crybaby”. Or maybe they are legitimately a sociopath, which is a neurological misconfiguration that either they were born with or developed during childhood trauma, and it’s something that can only be addressed in a clinical setting.
Think of them as a random crazy homeless guy on the street that yells profanities at anyone walking past. The yelling is not happening because of the individual people that are passing by, it’s happening because the yeller is fundamentally broken and needs repair. That is the only reason that people mistreat other people.
The bully at school? The teacher or boss that harshly criticizes your work? The “friend” that trash talks you behind your back? The predator that targets you for crimes or abuse? The sibling that never calls you back? The date that ghosted you? Every single one of them are operating based on their own issues, and you just happen to be there.
I’ll say it again. You just happen to be there. It is not about you.
They have issues, and how they act is about their issues. Their fears, their past pains, their dysfunction. It literally has nothing to do with you. You are a bystander. You got splashed by the mud but you are not the reason the mud exists, they are. They are not just splashing the mud, they are the whole mud. It’s 100% them.
Emotional healing and well being is only possible when you accept this as an undeniable fact, and approach the world from this perspective. Life is a lot easier when you don’t let other people’s burdens become your burden too.
Any time someone acts like trash to you, look at them and think “wow they really have issues, I feel bad for them” and then skip along on your merry way.
Because it is their issue and not yours. It’s their dysfunction and not yours. Their actions and their words are not a statement on you. They are a statement on them. Everything they say and do and think and feel is a reflection of their inner world. Again, you just happen to be there. It’s all them, and none of it is you.
And you can’t fix them. You can not fix people. Even therapists can not fix people. Therapists hold your hand while you process your emotions and experiences, and offer tools for coping and healing, but ultimately everyone has to use the tools they have available to fix themselves. And it’s a long process, fixing yourself, so let them embark on it without you. They may never be able to. Most of the time they don’t even want to. People like this tend to deny accountability and blame their victims, because they are not able to hold a space for their own pain. So they deflect onto and gaslight the people who are closest to them to avoid feeling their pain.
It’s okay to feel bad or hurt by their behavior, but don’t make it about your worth. Because it isn’t.
Consider yourself a witness to their pain and their struggles. Wish them well and move along. They are toxic. You aren’t, so keep it moving. 🙂 Let them wallow in their own personal hell without you. Their internal shit is not your burden to carry. Don’t pick it up and carry it. Watch the hurt just melt away when you operate from the understanding that it’s a them problem, not a you problem.
Write their name on a little paper boat and send it sailing down the river. Burn it to ash and blow it away in the wind. Whatever you need to do to release yourself from carrying the weight of their problems. You get to send them on their way and go skip off into the sunset and be free of their bs. So do that.
Boy byeee!
Note: Today I am celebrating being free after a year of processing betrayal. Leaving his ass: 10/10 would recommend